Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
