I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
