I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
