It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
