There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I looked at my own cervix.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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