is your mom at the bar?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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