I think I won the penis lottery.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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