i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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