I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
