My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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