You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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