did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
there was a trapeze. enough said
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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