I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
