508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sorry about my life...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
