k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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