ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
