I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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