Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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