remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
