I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
