I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So. Much. Porn.
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