It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
