At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
