We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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