You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
