the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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