I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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