So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
