I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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