He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
