I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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