You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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