Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
