Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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