Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
