you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
