you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
