every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Found your dick twin last night
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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