tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
