i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
