Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
