if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
