My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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