Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
