i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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