Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
