I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize