My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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