This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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