I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
