Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
