I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
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Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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