Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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