I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
